My Secret Pulp

The position of “Reaper” has been filled.

weownyou — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 10:20:10 +0000

Gawd damn. I have a thing for failure and any underestimating of your boy Joshy. It fuels me to no end to win. I look for things i can potentially fail at, just so i can measure myself up to life. When i fail, it doesn’t really bother me. At work, its also no biggie. But the last two shifts were just brutal. Old people, middle aged people, kids, healthy people, unhealthy people, middle class, poor whatever; whoever we ran across just would not do or get better with our treatment. We might average one call a shift that doesn’t seem to improve with our intervention, we went two shifts with nearly every patient just tanking on us. I even got the privilege to put one of my patience in their body bag. To top things off, i ended the two shifts with a night of no sleep and a toddler who also went south on us. It resulted me getting into it with of my partner firefighters in the middle of the ER, we took the opportunity to blow off some steam from the shitty shifts, and get off our chests how we really felt about each other.

When i don’t get the chance to analyze and rationalize where i went wrong, it builds up and haunts me. They haunt me. Sometimes they pop up when i day dream,sometimes when i close my eyes, sometimes i feel like they are over my shoulder. It gets annoying when they start looking like the everyday people i interact with. I’ve processed most of them, but the little girl wont go away. I know she’ll be gone eventually, but she’s been a nagging one.

cold

weownyou — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 09:59:50 +0000

Sometimes i don’t do very well being alone. From the outside, it seems like i do really great keeping so busy. In a single day ill run a few miles, go rock climbing, hit the gym really hard then go out dancing or partying of some sort. In reality, it’s me keeping from being alone with my thoughts. The worse is now during the holidays, when television, friends and strangers push the whole “being with someone special this holiday season”. Fuuuuck, i get it.

Christmas only served for me to go big, surprise and make her holiday special. Alone, i realize how much it sucks that i have no home to go to. No one to just sit next to and bullshit. No one to look forward to rushing home to for simply their company. Its starting to get cold and rainy, it adds insult in injury. Now im cold a lot, kinda always secretly sick, i threw my back out, and have had some shit days at work that i need someone who understands me, to understand any mood it puts me in. And alone, i over analyze what she might be doing. I wonder who she might be flirting with, or who she wants to flirt with. That kills me the most, the idea that she wants to look pretty for someone else. Ultimately, i guess i can handle that. Some other things she might or could do i wouldn’t be able to handle, and at times my imagination drives me to anxiety attacks. If i’ve learned anything about women, is that if you want to win them back after they left you, you have to leave them ALONE. No lame texted messages, no gushing emails, no drunken phone calls. Though, I might be fooling myself into thinking that so far its working, and i’ll be getting her back soon.

Right now is an alone time. Right now, i might just disappear into my thoughts and blip away from existence, and that would be hell. Please refer to an episode called “And when they sky opened”, you’ll get it.

My amusment park

weownyou — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:38:10 +0000

There’s a tv show about a blood splatter analyst who at night kills serial killers. It’s a pretty good show, and kinda weird cheering for such an anti-hero.
Anyways, my point is that the main character makes An observation about what it’s like to walk on to a crime scene. It couldn’t have been better put: it’s like walking on to a morbid section of Disneyland or universal studios back lot. It’s true! Everything looks so staged and movie like. They even go the extra mile and add the smell of gun smoke, or burned rubber. It’s like my job gives us a voyeuristic chance to look into other peoples life movie. One scene is of a girl in her mid-20s who just got hit by a car, another is a family who’s at the pool with grandpa who suddenly decides to drop dead in front of everyone, or being there when mr. Rich guy finds out his wife has been self medicating to point of over dosing. In my mind I try to fill in the plot to the movie I just walked in on, it makes the job more entertaining and puts everything into context. Best of all I get to observe the lives of others as if I belong there, no one questioning why im there, and no one caring when I leave

nothing to special, really.

weownyou — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 03:37:13 +0000

…..And nothing deep either. I’ve always wanted a blog, but never thought i had anything to write about. But truth is, i have a lot going on in my head, and it’s kinda random. So until i think my friends, family or girlfriend would be okay with the weird shit that i come up with, this is going to be my little secret slice of the web.